A Bird By Any Other Name Would Sound As Tweet
What’s up Beak Freaks! If you read the headline you already know what you’re in for: a great time reading about some of the coolest birds that are gracing our dying planet. I’ve selected a few of my faves but by no means should my ordering give you the impression that any of these majestic feathered fly-guys are better or worse than the others, and that’s because all birds are created in the image of holiness.
Bird #1: White-Cheeked Tern
Starting off our list on an absolute legendary aviary emissary of the Chordata Phylum, the White-Cheeked Tern is commonly found cruising the airwaves around the Red Sea, chilling up by Pakistan and Iraq, and absolutely vibing on the African east coast.
These guys are a lot like an old Japanese man living out the traditional life of a humble fisherman: they’re mostly chowing down on fishies; something that they have in common with my best friend’s wife though is that they absolutely love spineless creatures, preying on invertebrates whenever possible.
I already know the next question on your mind: “are these hot beach boys migratory,” and the answer is an absolute “you know it”. They’re soaring around Africa in colonies of 20–400 birdies and blessing the rains with their distinctive call which basically sounds like if several hundred 4th graders with squeaky rain boots wanted to run laps around a gym.
Fun fact: this bird shares a name with what I coined as my signature move during my days as a nude runway model.
Bird #2: Lesser Frigatebird
The ornithological world has done its best to tank this little guy’s self esteem, but the Lesser Frigatebird does its best to shine, even if it IS the smallest of its Genus at only 30 inches long. If that’s the bar, then I guess that’d make me a Lesser Lesser Lesser Frigatebird. But I’m not a bird, thankfully, so I’ll remain an “average-length caucasian male”.
Of note is the male Lesser Frigatebird’s bulging red neck sack, which is something that it shares in common with all members of its family, giving it a certain air of relatability. It inflates this neck pouch to attract females, which works because red is exciting and when you’re an adult bird you’re really just looking to FEEL something, y’know?
Speaking of family, the Lesser Frigatebird is one of five species in the frigatebird Genus. No frigatebird family reunion would be complete without the arrogant Great Frigatebird, the “I’m so enlightened” Ascended Frigatebird, the eccentric Christmas Frigatebird, and the pompous Magnificent Frigatebird. Honestly the Lesser Frigatebird is the only one you’d want to invite out for drinks at the single’s bar — his avian nature and exemplary humility would make him the perfect wingman.
A quick etymology note: the term “frigatebird” comes from the French la frégate, which translates to “the frigate”. It probably got its name due to its similarity to a warship — both are speedy and have a bulging red neck sack.
Bird # ̷̨̂̀ ̴͓͎̲͖͋̋ ̸͎̹̝̒̅͝ ̵̣͌: Night Parrot
Night Parrot is out for blood.
Night Parrot’s weight is unmeasured and Night Parrot’s length is about as long as a short banana.
Night Parrot avoids observation. Night Parrot is an elusive force of nature. Ornithologists dream of a Night Parrot encounter, even knowing that such an event would mark the end of their days in this world as they would be forced into the Ļ̵͍̚ȯ̴̙̥n̷̡͈̙̙̱͗g̵̬̳̬̕ ̷̡̲̘̯́͑́͘̕N̶͓̯͎̟͚͐̈́͘͘i̷̺̖̺͂̓̂̍ĝ̶̻͎h̶̡͚͍̫̾͆̆̇ẗ̴̖̪̳̮̀͂̕͘ to await Night Parrot’s reckoning.
Night Parrot stalks through the grass of the Australian bushland, lying in wait during the day and emerging only at nightfall; creeping along the ground, never taking flight unless Night Parrot gets a little thirsty.
If you see the telltale muddy-green pinecone pattern of the Night Parrot while taking a midnight stroll, it’s already too late. The L̸̠̬̜̻̰̔ȏ̴̧̨̡̱̳̗̼̮͈͗͋̌͒n̴̨̺̦̫͚͗̔̃͛͐͊̆g̷̪̱͍̦̞͙̩͌͜ͅ ̵̧̧͙͖͆̀̌̈́̏͗̀̈́̀͜͜Ñ̵̨̹̰͔͓̗̺̊̚i̵͙̬̙͂̒͛̑̀͠ġ̵̛͙̫͔̗̝̦̮̭̫̀͂͛͝ḩ̸̽t̷̬͉̰̅̀͊̄͊̂̓͠ will surround you and you will see the all-encompassing presence of Night Parrot.
Alright Beak Freaks, thanks for checking out this list of great birds! Remember to fill your birdfeeders, clean your birdbaths, lock your windows and pray for another morning every night!
