An Extremely Accurate Culinary Roadmap To Gordon Ramsay’s Five-Star Cuisine
Professionally, I’m a critically acclaimed food critic (which is actually a pretty easy title to get if you’re a critic with even a scratch of self-esteem). Personally, I’m what some might call a “foodie”, what others might call a “tastemaker”, and what more still might call “sir please make way for other customers, you’ve sampled every flavor that we have behind the counter twice, and your moans are disrupting business”.
In short, I lead the hungry masses, and they follow me, tongue-first, into the unknown back alleys of Flavor Town.
In my travels I’ve eaten at several five-star restaurants (and one shady restaurant that claimed to have seven stars, but I don’t think the Michelin Man had given that establishment his large rubber blessing); most notably I have supped upon the finest offerings of one Chef Gordon Ramsay, and I have lived to tell the tale, and describe some of the meals upon which I have supped. Because I definitely supped upon them.
Join me now as I guide you through MY recommended roadmap of Gordon Ramsay Restaurant dishes.
Fruity Pinecone
Fruity Pinecone is the best way to start your culinary quest through the mind of Chef Ramsay. Partaking of Fruity Pinecone is like stabbing yourself in the mouth with peanut brittle and then pushing cold chunks of dragon fruit into the wound. The pain and pleasure work together in a unified symphony of experience that leaves you waiting for more (and not only because it weighs approximately 4 grams and is the size of three croutons glued together).
Garlic Accompanied by Sweaty Nugget
As you coast toward the first entrée, you may be struck by a wave of nostalgia. Is there a more classic pairing than the savory flavor of garlic and the squidgy texture of a shapeless nugget that has excreted an undefined liquid onto your plate? As you enjoy this dish, you will have a chance to ponder whether the nugget is made up of plant matter, flesh, or something else altogether. Was it once alive? Is it at all processed, or did it exist in this shape before the Chef made it subject to his culinary machinations?
No matter what, be careful not to fill up on the six (6) included pine nuts! You’ll want to save room for the next course.
Power Trip on a Plate
This is it, the main entrée and the food that you’ve spent your now-ex-girlfriend’s entire holiday bonus to taste. Not many dishes offer to take you on a journey quite like this scrumptious piece of edible art. As you eat it, meditate on the idea that you are eating a raw fish that has been prepared with a garnish of its own children, in egg form. They really don’t even take the time to cook it — it is so fresh, you can practically hear the fish’s trembling voice as it screams to its husband to take the children and run. The pure feeling of power that such cuisine brings with it is enough to make the world’s fiercest dictators blush. As your face flushes with culinary ecstasy, you’ll hardly notice as the garçon clears your plate and brings dessert.
A Tiny Pancake Thing
Does what it says on the label. Feels like you’re eatin’ a pancake, except it’s not shaped like Mickey Mouse or anything and they put one of your grandma’s seashell soaps on top.
I hope that this culinary guide will serve you well on your next outing to one of Chef Ramsay’s fine establishments. If this has helped you, please consider sending a deposit to my ex-girlfriend via Venmo, with the message “He’s sorry that he ‘wasted’ your ‘tuition savings’ 👍”.
