These Fish Prove The Existence Of A Malevolent God
Theologians and marine biologists have thrown away their centuries-long rivalry to crack the code to divine punishment, in an act of cooperation unseen since purple non-sulfur bacteria and homo sapiens developed mitochondrial symbiosis (look it up that shit is bananas). According to their groundbreaking research, if you’re doing a naughty while god is looking, you face a severe risk of being transformed into a fish by the universe’s angry and all-knowing creator.
Below are a few of the fish that the deity definers and water scientists have listed as proof of this process.
Sheepshead Fish
This glimpse into hell was the primary point of departure for the research group’s thesis. One look at the Sheepshead Fish is enough to strike the fear of an angry almighty power into even the cruelest of hearts. The Sheepshead Fish’s most prominent feature, its gorgeous lips, stands as proof of god’s cruel sense of humor.
“Yeah, I’m gonna turn you into a disgusting fish, but I’m also going to make you insanely attractive.”
I hate god.
Goblin Shark
The Goblin Shark is yet another species of fish that the omnipotent creator has made with the exclusive purpose of populating it with sinners that he catches. Its lengthy proboscis is rivaled only by its lengthy track record of wrongdoings. The research team has pointed out that, though the Lord above is certainly inflicting cruel and unusual punishment to those he finds offensive, there is a certain poetic justice to it all — if the poem was really bad and fish-related.
Howard Warren Sr.
This one’s actually not a fish — I’m pretty sure this is just a picture of my landlord. Not sure how this got in here.
Still though, pretty fucked up that god would make me deal with THIS, isn’t it? I have to look at this face every month when the rent is due, and sometimes he only swings by late at night — can you imagine getting a knock on your door at 10pm and you see this thing through the peephole?. Dude’s like the damn Crypt-Keeper but wetter, and squishier. Damn.
A cartoon manta ray
There are some acts of divine sadism that escape description, but I’m aiming for a 500 word count, so I’ll try.
Imagine you’ve spent your whole life as a god-fearing member of a peaceful community, and one day, you just happen to look over the fence in your front yard and notice that his house really IS pretty nice, even nicer than yours, and from there you start coveting just a little. You don’t even know what coveting is, but you can feel it happening in the pit of your tummy.
Suddenly you wake up and you’ve lost everything — you’ve been reduced to a creative-commons-friendly .png of a smiling manta ray, frozen, a snapshot of cartoon levity in an eternal prison, posted in some jerk’s article about funny-looking fish.
Imagine that, former neighbor and house-coveter Alex Benson, age 33. Wouldn’t that be crazy?
Covet someone else’s house next time; and you can forget about my wife, too. She’s not even into manta rays, not after what happened to Steve Irwin.
